news: LOOK AT ALL THIS COOL BLINKING SHIT!! We'll be 100% implemented and look exactly like MySpace by a year from today, on April 1, 2008!

burr86: "Thanks 4 t3h ADD!!1!!"
Eastern Users & Those Anticipating This: "Nice one. Happy April Fool's Day to you too!"
Users West of Chicago & Not Prepared Yet: "$#@*(!@#*(. ... Oh. Right. April frickin' Fool's Day."
Users Who Haven't Caught On: *freak out, rant, run around in circles screaming*
Ashamed to be Caught Out Users: *delete ranty comments after realizing what day it is*
burr86 and other helpful news denizens: *reply to ranty comments before they are deleted* "Check your calendar! ;) "
Ashamed to be Caught Out Users: "WTF. I DELETED that PDQ. How did you...?"
burr86: *hasn't turned off e-mail notifications*
Unamused Users: "Laa-aame. Wasn't LJ supposed to be cool and funny back in the day?"
Paranoid Users: "Laugh it up, but we'll see who's laughing when changes like this REALLY HAPPEN! This is a vision of dystopia here."
The NSFW-sensitive: "Big! Red! Finger! LJ-cut!! My eyes! My children's eyes! My boss's eyes!"
Vgift Addicts: "Please tell me the finger vgift is for reals, at least?"
/b/tards and other offsite buddies: *lovefest*
lj_dirtycache: *have a really scary style*
MySpace Mockers: *act like stereotypical MySpace users for the lolz*
Spammers: *spam*
Maintainers: *delete spam*
burr86's inbox: *catches fire*

[Edited to include: update on ad-blocking! 2006 04 20 16 16]

(bottom of this post if you need to skip it)

news: Now that you've heard the back-alley rumors, we're confirming them! It's not just Free and Paid anymore, there's a Sponsored+ level! Be assured that we won't tell you that you need your man-bits enlarged, even though from your behavior in the comments we can see that you're really insecure about that! Anybody want to beta-test? Oh, and if you make an LJ banner ad that is totally t3h winz, we can use it! Have at!
frank: "Will work for pants!"

Refugees from slashdot: "First!"
Someone who's never been to slashdot: "Is there some kind of competition?"
slashdot User: "Welcome to the Internets. Here's your free eyespork. You'll need it."
Refugees from metaquotes: "Icon Love!"
Friends & Family of Support volunteers: *hand out flame shields and asbestos underwear*
Support Volunteers: "Thanks. ...hey, will this give me cancer?"
LJ Staff: "... I'm not nearly drunk enough to deal with this."

Users who missed the rumors: "...WTF."
Broke Users: "Wow, awesome."
Laid-Back Users: "Interesting."
Pervy Users: "No inappropriate ads? No fair!"
Disenchanted Users: "Bloody sellouts."
LJ Supporters: "It's LJ, so it's got to be good."
     Disenchanted Users: "No, it doesn't 'got to be good'. How much crack have you been smoking?"
          LJ Supporters: "Less than you, evidently."
               ( ... read more^h^h^h^h threaded flamewar... )
                                                                 LJ Realist & LJ Supporters: "More likely LJ is a bunch of broke geeks trying to keep everything half-decent for end-users. Did you miss the part where LJ is a business, not a non-profit charity made specifically so you can tell the world about your cat? In short: STFU."
                                                                      Disenchanted Users: "Make me!"
LJ User Trying To Read The Discussion: "Damn this is a lot of comments."
LJ Staff: "OMG. Why did I not remember to buy another bottle of Scotch?"

Paid Users: "Could be worse. At least they're not going all MySpace on us."
Free Users: "Perish the thought."
MySpace Diehard: "When are they going to make it so you can take people off your friend-of list?"
Support Volunteer: "MySpace shows only mutual friends. You, too, can choose to show only mutual friends on your userinfo page! At least LJ tells you when someone's reading you, vs. MySpace where someone can so totally be stalking you without you realizing it if they have you private-bookmarked."
Disenchanted LJ Users: "This ad crap is so totally too much like MySpace."
MySpace Diehard: "So you spend enough time on MySpace to know what it's like? Hypocrite."
Paid Users: "Just glad I won't have to see these unless I get logged out."
Paid Users with Free Accounts: "Or logged in under an alternate free account."
Paid Users: "Who seriously goes around logged in under another username any significant amount of time?"
Locked RP Enthusiasts: "You'd be surprised."

FireFox Users: "Meet my friend ... Adblock."
LJ Technicalities People: "Meet your enemy, the part of the LJ TOS that says you can't."
FireFox Users: "Weeaaall, shit. They can't ban me if they don't catch me..."
LJ Technicalities People: "So what are you doing talking about it in a news post, then?"
brad (belatedly): "Drat those lawyers! I never meant to say that!"
Legally-Savvy LJ Users: "Is it time for new lawyers, then?"

New Sponsored+ Users: "Whee! Features! Thank you, LJ!"
Would-Be Sponsored+ Users: "GHA! It fux0red my layout!"
lj_ads: "Care to give a little more feedback on what isn't working?"
Free Users with Standards: "Not with those features. Now if I got to do X and Y, I'd consider it..."
Curious Users: "Who's got screenshots?"
Curious Paid/Permanent Users: "This sounds nifty to try out. How do I turn it on if I'm paid/permanent?"
Bitter Users: "... you've got to be on crack."
LJ Users with Standards: "Flash ads? Fuck no."

Bitter Paid Users: "LJ is t3h suxx0r."
Pissed-off Users Trying To Read Comments: "Dude. Get a fucking life."
Bitter Paid Users: "The value of my journal has depreciated!"
Pissed-off Users: "The value of my life has depreciated by watching you whine. LJ Geeks, how's about that killfile so I won't have to read this person even by accident?"
LJ Geeks: *probably aren't reading the thread or else they might agree*

GreatestJournal Supporters: "GJ > LJ."
LiveJournal Supporters: "LJ > GJ."
GJ Supporters: "Sellouts."
LJ Supporters: "Your momma."
Old-School LJ Users: "Why did they ever get rid of invite codes?"

Early Adopters: "Where's the love?"
Longtime news Readers: "Page 6? You're slipping."
permmembers: "Yay for permanent accounts!"

alexlucard: LJ, in general, according to my oh-so-scientific poll, has the following overwhelming feeling about the ads: 'PIKACHU!!!' "
alexlucard: *is presented with the Internets*

Seriously Ad-Opposed Users: *create communities*
LJ Realist: "OK, if you think making a community about it is going to make a difference, go right on ahead!"
Disenchanted Users: *join anti-ad communities*
Concerned Free Users: "Wait, so you're advocating that we give the silent treatment to everybody who wants to try out the Sponsored+ thing?"
Seriously Ad-Opposed Users: "If you cared about the INTEGRITY OF LJ, you would too!"

Support Volunteers: *ask intelligent questions*
LJ Staff: *answer*

Trolls Masquerading as Legit LJ Users: *have a field day*
Formerly Decent LJ Users: *start slinging nastiness too*
Sarcastic LJ Users: *mock the typical comments and nasty attitudes*
Old-School LJ User: "Let's just give ads to the slashdot refugees and the trolls."
Lots of LJ Users: "I love you."

Normal LJ Users: *burn out on reading the discussions*
azurelunatic: "I summarize it so you don't have to read all of it! Where'd I put my eyespork?"
LJ Staff: "Still not drunk enough!"