Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2017-05-20 04:10 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2017-05-20 04:10 pm
Entry tags:
The language of apology
For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I started contemplating the components that make up an effective apology to me. There are the "five apology languages", which are siblings of the "five love languages", or something. That's interesting, but it isn't quite what I'm looking for.
What am I looking for?
a) Acknowledgment of the effect, and regret. (Regret is one of the apology languages.) Something happened and I was hurt; in an intimate and trustworthy relationship, I want them to know how I was hurt, and why it was hurtful. (Late to an event, hurt feelings, stubbed toe, irritated, etc.) Since they need to care for my well-being, I feel that it's appropriate that they regret my well-being was affected.
(In an untrustworthy relationship, giving them more information on how they have hurt me just gives them ammunition to hurt me further. If you find in your life that there are people where you don't want to let them know that you are hurt or how, contemplate your options for reducing those people's access to you.)
b) Root-cause analysis. What are the factors that led to this happening? Some are the responsibility of the person. (Accepting responsibility is one of the apology languages.) Sometimes there are factors that are nobody's responsibility, or are the responsibility of entities who are in no position to have things changed as a result of the incident. (A terrible day at the DMV is not likely to be solved by anyone saying "Hey, this was terrible.")
c) Making restitution, if appropriate. (Making restitution is one of the apology languages.) A date can often be rescheduled. Doing something nice and out of the ordinary is a mood-lifter. Fixing or replacing the broken thing. Sometimes there isn't really anything that can be done to make it better, and that probably should be acknowledged.
d) Failure prevention. (In the listed apology languages, "genuinely repenting" seems to fit this the closest.) With root-cause analysis and knowledge of the effects, we can use those to plan to avoid circumstances where this comes up again, and make a plan for mitigating the effects if it does come up again.
In my present primary relationship, my partner always genuinely regrets the hurt. They don't always understand why it was hurtful, so that portion often involves a lot of discussion. (And I can contribute to things going better by being more flexible in when and how that discussion happens.) The root cause often involves things that have grown out of traumatic experiences and situations in our past, which is ... fun. Restitution hasn't been a huge factor.
Root cause analysis and failure prevention tend to slide together, even though I have them listed as separate steps. It's at the failure prevention step where, like magic, I start calming down and feeling incredibly secure and loved. Since some of the factors involve trauma, the failure prevention often involves the slow process of healing (with and without the assistance of professionals), and my understanding and forgiveness of those things.
We're learning how to fight well and safely, and I love them so much.
What am I looking for?
a) Acknowledgment of the effect, and regret. (Regret is one of the apology languages.) Something happened and I was hurt; in an intimate and trustworthy relationship, I want them to know how I was hurt, and why it was hurtful. (Late to an event, hurt feelings, stubbed toe, irritated, etc.) Since they need to care for my well-being, I feel that it's appropriate that they regret my well-being was affected.
(In an untrustworthy relationship, giving them more information on how they have hurt me just gives them ammunition to hurt me further. If you find in your life that there are people where you don't want to let them know that you are hurt or how, contemplate your options for reducing those people's access to you.)
b) Root-cause analysis. What are the factors that led to this happening? Some are the responsibility of the person. (Accepting responsibility is one of the apology languages.) Sometimes there are factors that are nobody's responsibility, or are the responsibility of entities who are in no position to have things changed as a result of the incident. (A terrible day at the DMV is not likely to be solved by anyone saying "Hey, this was terrible.")
c) Making restitution, if appropriate. (Making restitution is one of the apology languages.) A date can often be rescheduled. Doing something nice and out of the ordinary is a mood-lifter. Fixing or replacing the broken thing. Sometimes there isn't really anything that can be done to make it better, and that probably should be acknowledged.
d) Failure prevention. (In the listed apology languages, "genuinely repenting" seems to fit this the closest.) With root-cause analysis and knowledge of the effects, we can use those to plan to avoid circumstances where this comes up again, and make a plan for mitigating the effects if it does come up again.
In my present primary relationship, my partner always genuinely regrets the hurt. They don't always understand why it was hurtful, so that portion often involves a lot of discussion. (And I can contribute to things going better by being more flexible in when and how that discussion happens.) The root cause often involves things that have grown out of traumatic experiences and situations in our past, which is ... fun. Restitution hasn't been a huge factor.
Root cause analysis and failure prevention tend to slide together, even though I have them listed as separate steps. It's at the failure prevention step where, like magic, I start calming down and feeling incredibly secure and loved. Since some of the factors involve trauma, the failure prevention often involves the slow process of healing (with and without the assistance of professionals), and my understanding and forgiveness of those things.
We're learning how to fight well and safely, and I love them so much.
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Telling the DMV that my experience was terrible will probably do fuck-all to make the DMV less terrible in the future. But, #YellingAsAService and all...
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Ah, I misread! Which is... probably a good sign I should go to bed.
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Woke up late due to power failure related phone alarm failure.
Partner spilled coffee; no time to make replacement cup.
Rushed on the way to root canal appointment.
Root canal.
License plate stolen while at the dentist.
Freezing rain.
Terrible time at the DMV (long lines, pain, sensory woe, flaky wifi, nothing to read, expensive replacement, had to go out and remove remaining plate in the freezing rain and come back and wait in more lines, tore shirt while removing remaining plate).
Partner makes a joke about my torn shirt.
Partner turns on sportsball way too loud.
Root cause and mitigation:
Power outages are no-one's fault (except the power grid, the trees falling on power lines, and similar); the effect of power outage on wakeup time could be mitigated by stand-alone backup alarm clock and/or UPS units between the mains and the phone charger. And possibly a battery replacement in the phone, and/or not letting it go down to 10% before docking it at night.
Knocking over things in a rush happens; we will all try to be careful (Azz could have just as easily knocked it as well). The travel mug is already spill-resistant, but Azz could have put the lid on sooner.
Knock-on effects from the power outage delay meant there was no time for replacement coffee, and caused the rush to the dentist. This could be mitigated by laying out some of the needed items for the morning before going to bed, if there's a known early-ish thing even if there's supposed to be enough time.
Root canals suck. Not having needed root canals sucks worse. We already have a water flosser and power toothbrushes, and Azz is properly medicated now.
It's possible that the license plate theft was influenced by choice of parking space; choice of parking space was knock-on effect from morning delay. The license plate thief could have not stolen the license plate.
Freezing rain is normal for living here. Azz could have put on the spare rain gear in the car. (That jacket you wear all the time is warm but not super waterproof, Azz, and maybe you should replace it.)
Going to the DMV without an appointment sucks; in this case it was required by the license plate thing. There were tools in the car to remove the other license plate, yay. The DMV could upgrade their wifi and solve some of their various problems, but are they likely to? Stay tuned for the results of #YaaS.
Ordinarily Azz would not have worn that shirt to muck around with license plates or whatever, but that was not a planned activity. Sometimes clothing just tears. :( It wasn't super expensive, but the style is harder to find now. We'll keep our eyes open when shopping, and maybe add a picture to a visual wishlist.
Partner made a bad call about whether the joke would be seen as loving and reassuring, or insensitive. Partner has already provided hugs and petting and validation that that was a terrible day.
Partner made a bad call about the volume of the sportsball when Azz was already in a state of overload. Partner turned it down promptly, and is still hugging and petting. Partner can be a little more aware of Azz's state when turning on sensory items like video, and Azz can be more proactive in saying "I have had a hell of a day and please be careful with noise and light."
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(I have woken up to power outages, I have had alarm events, I have had "X was accidentally rendered inedible and there is no time to replace" events, I have had dentist and DMV in the same day, I have had my license plate go missing... but fortunately not the whole list in one day. Yet.)
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